The Pretentious Experiment

Yes, that's my hand.

And we're back...

Shoutbox is back up and running.

Excellent.

Oh well...

Sorry about the Shoutbox. I just went to their site and apparently they're switching to a new server (it's unfortunate that it's default message is accusing us of innactivity... disregard that).

It should be back up shortly (and I think I might look for an alternate dialogue box program).
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In other news...

In a few hours I'll be going to the Alliance race track for the weekend. I'll be working a concession stand with a group there raising money for orphans in Mozambique (how could I say no?). I'll let you know how it goes.

Have a great weekend... when it gets here.

The Magnetism of Unavailability...

FIsh from SEa writes:

dear shad, Why is it that when it comes to girls that when it rains it pours and when it is dry it is a drought?

Hi Fish. Fantastic question. So good, in fact, that I'm not sure of how much help I can be.

I'm going to take a few guesses at this, but I'd like to take a moment and ask any female visitors to comment and help me, fish, and all guy-kind to understand this conundrum. Either comment on this entry, or post a thought in the shoutbox on the sidebar. I'd love your help.

While I'm at it, I'd like to encourage any comments, from anybody, about any of my "advice". Was I close? right on? miss something? anything you'd like to add or correct? need to call out any of my BS?

You can be anonymous. Or you can link us to your own site... whatever. The comments and shoutbox are open forum, so bring it on.

Okay, enough self-promotion.

Fish, I've made similar observations about... the social climates. Where, when you're alone it seems like the void just continues to compound itself. But the moment you are either A)okay with being alone for a while, or B)you're no longer alone; there isn't enough of you to go around to all of the people who suddenly want to be a part of your life.

You specifically mentioned girls, so we aren't just talking about general loneliness, or lack of friend-relationships.

You're talking about how when you want a girl at your side there isn't a single one as far as the east is from the west, but the minute, or even the second, you find one girl and there is mutual interest--BAMM! Every girl you've ever met, liked, talked to, bumped into, or even heard about suddenly wants to know how you are, what you're up to, and what you're doing this Friday night.

It can be pretty infuriating (in that top of the world, ego-boosting kind of way). I think it's probably more infuriating during one of the "droughts" you mentioned. (I assume that women deal with the same issue, or a similar version of it, I'd like to hear about that.)

So, what's the deal?

I think part of the issue is desperation. Women can smell it a mile away, and they don't like it.

The pining, the neediness, the self-consciousness; none of these are attractive qualities.

The moment you aren't focused on your need for someone (whether you've put it aside or found someone) you are acting like the person you really are. You are walking in considerably more fullness of character. That's attractive.

Being confident and content gives you the power to draw people to you (like I said in a previous post, how you act and treat people when you've got them around you, is what will define your social success).

Now, here is an important point to remember. We've sort of talked in generalities about girls either being nowhere on the planet, or being right there wanting to spend time with you. We need to understand that we can't assume that they want anything other than friendship.

I know that when you want a romantic relationship the word "friend" is a garlic crucifix to our broken vampire heart. Sorry.

We need to see this from her perspective though.

Let's take Bill and Sally, for instance. Last we heard, Bill was lonely, slipped into the aforementioned neediness, lookin' for love, desperate. But suddenly word is out that Bill's got a new girlfriend.

Yeah! Sally's now thinking, Oh goody! I'm going to give him a call. Now I can talk to him without worrying about him getting the wrong idea. It'll be safe to spend time with Bill, he's got a girlfriend now.

I'm talking in some serious generalities here, but do you see how it is legitimate for a girl to suddenly jump onto the scene when you're no longer on the market? Women love their "guy friends".

Yes, we know that not all of these newly visible girls are just looking for friendship, but it's probably safe to assume that all of these "new" girls aren't just lining up to be wooed by the likes of us.

We also can't discredit basic Taoism. We want that which evades us.

Taking yourself off the market suddenly made you a bit more interesting. Before, they could take their time and knew you'd always be around, suddenly your not available... Oh no! What did I miss? Is it too late? Better call him!

These are all just practical guesses at what causes these "down pours" and "droughts".

But I'm not totally convinced that the answers are completely practical.

I think that at times there is a bigger force at work, and I don't understand it.

For example, there was this one time in my life (this is absolutely true, no kidding), when I had been feeling down and lonely (I think I was a month or two out of some dating relationship) wondering what happened to all of the great people I'd known, what did I do wrong to make people stay away... yadda yadda, woe is me, etc...

And one day I finally just snapped out of it.

I was like, This is stupid. Being alone isn't that bad. I've always liked having my own space. Why am I just moping around. It's going to be okay.

And the rest of that day was really great. I had just snapped out of that stupid, selfish state.

And that night. That very night! I got an email from this beautiful friend of mine who lived out of state and I hadn't heard from her in months.

About twenty minutes later, at around 11pm I got a call from this girl who I'd always really liked and enjoyed who I hadn't heard from in about six months

And while I was on the phone I got a call waiting beep and it was the girl I'd taken to my high school prom who had moved to California and I hadn't heard from her in over a year, and still, in that same telephone conversation I got two more calls, one from an ex-girlfriend I hadn't had a real conversation with since the break-up and the other from another girl I hadn't heard from since right after high-school.

That is the absolute truth.

Not one of these girls knew each other and they were scattered across the country.

What happened? There wasn't any way they could have known I'd just snapped out of a selfish state of mind. Why couldn't they have called when I was depressed?

Tell me there wasn't a higher force at work there.

Insight, into any of this? Anybody?

Thanks for writing Fish, wish I could've had more answers than questions.

Shad

The Real Reason to Go to the Movies...

IH from KC writes:

I want to make a kernel-free popcorn. I think this would be a useful invention, but don't know how to go about it. What do you suggest? I hate getting those shell-like things stuck in my teeth. (Please note, I'm talking about the post-popcorn state, not the pre- or unpopped-popcorn state.)

Hello IH, your inquiry is intriguing.

Where do we begin?

Well, popcorn "pops" because of the very thing we are trying to get rid of.

The kernel has an air/water tight outer covering; a white, dense meat; and a very miniscule amount of moisture. When you heat a popcorn kernel, this very small bit of moisture heats up, turns to steam, begins to cook the dense meat, which in turn expands. As the pressure builds, the structural integrity of the hull is breached (sorry, couldn't resist that great sci-fi cliche), and the meat of the corn "pops" through.

But, as you know, the hull is still very much a part of the popped corn. This is what we are trying to fix.

My first thought is, what if we could find a way to separate the hull and the meat, so that they are two independents. A hull that simply encases the meat, not actually attached to it. That way, when it pops the hull is exploded away from the popped corn.

The dangers of this option are immediately apparent. Every time someone would cook your popcorn they would be in a culinary battle field of flying shrapnel. People would have to dive for cover at the risk of losing eyes and breaking limbs and generations from now, you might hear a grandfather relating the story of how he still has bits of popcorn in his thigh...

I guess, depending on the genre, someone's movie watching experience may very well have been enhanced by such an event (if not fully enjoyed).

It isn't hard to realize that you'd only have to cover the popcorn as it cooks to avoid this tragedy, but then you'd still be peppering your popcorn with sharp bits of kernel. Even if the popcorn survived the experience (and managed to not become pop-powder), every splinter-laced bite would carry the potential of gum spearing agony.

Then I thought about some sort of water/oil soluble kernel that dissolves as the steam is priming the meat to explode. Could you get the timing just right?

I don't think so. I think the corn would always be popping prematurely (which would be more like pffff-ing) because it needs the solid husk to build up enough pressure to pop.

BUT then... revelation!

What if, instead of trying to get rid of the kernel, we made the kernel more useful/edible?

What if we were able to engineer a popcorn that has no hull--either by genetics, or actually physically removing it--and then we coat each kernel in some sort of hardened flavor enhancer?

My first thought was of a hardened candy caramel. That way, when it pops, instead of uncomfortable kernel pieces, you have wonderful bits of caramel. A new breed (literally) of caramel corn.

But you wouldn't have to stop there. You could have a hardened butter resin, a cheese resin, chocolate... maybe even nut.

It would be wonderful! And an entirely new snack-bar item.

What if you could then make it so that after it pops it somehow breaks down and melts in with the fresh hot popcorn?

That would be difficult considering the heat it already had to endure to pop the corn. But if you could do it, then it would be very like what you are hoping to invent (especially if you could master the melting-butter-resin kernel).

Mmm... I hope you can make this happen.
Does the IH stand for I'm Hungry? Because I am, too... now.

Thanks for writing, IH
Shad

Does she want to go?

JW from TX writes:

Hey Shad. I'm a "nice guy". Sometimes a girl gives me all the signals that she wants me to ask her out, but when I finally find the courage to do it, she suddenly seems like she's not sure (which takes the wind right out of my sails whether or not she ends up agreeing). What's the deal?

Hey JW thanks for writing.
I assume when you identify yourself as a "nice guy" you are referring to the typically derogatory association pop-culture has of nice guys and dating.

So, firstly it's important to remember that only in dating, is being "nice" considered a negative thing. Being good to people, treating them with kindness and respect, is never a bad thing. So, if you are going to be a self-proclaimed "nice guy", decide what that is, define it in a way that you are willing to step into, and don't let yourself take on a cultural label that you don't believe in.

Many people look at the dating scene and notice that is seems to work better for jerks or "bad boys" (which often has a more positive association in the dating world).

Why is this?

Well, I'm sure there are many subconscious and psychological reasons. But there is one observation that we need to make before tossing the tweed and donning the leather and slapping some dames around (well, go ahead and toss the tweed (oh, and go ahead and never slap a dame around (probably shouldn't call her a "dame" either for that matter (well, that's probably between you and her)))).

The observation I've made is this:
Though a jerk or "bad boy" may not treat you nicely, he's usually pretty nice to his girl.

And you're thinking, So what? I'm always nice to girls. Heck, I'm nice to everybody.

And, there, is the problem.

Through all his rough talkin', actin', boozin', fightin', killin', whatever... he's managed to give her something that you couldn't.

He's managed to treat her like he treats no one else in the world.

Guys think, What does she see in that jerk?

Girls think, Oh, you're going to be nice to me? Whoop-di-do. You're nice to everybody.

The "bad boys" have made it easier for themselves because if they treat everybody else like dirt, they just have to treat a girl like a person and they're already treating her better than they treat anybody else.

So, is it hopeless?

Absolutely not. You're just going to have to be more creative in finding ways to treat your girl better than you treat anybody else on the planet.


Okay, so all of that was in regard to you defining yourself as a "nice guy". But I still haven't answered your question. Why does she suddenly seem unsure about your invitation, after giving you all those signals?

Well, firstly we're going to assume that she actually was giving you signals (though I'd wager that this is where at least half of the men out there screw up... but luckily, you're a guy, you don't have to worry about interpreting signals to ask a girl out... you just have to want to take her out).

So, we're sure she was giving signals and is waiting for you to take action. Now she's unsure... what happened?

I'd bet my lunch that you made "nice guy" mistake #1. (Fix this and you'll be taking a huge first step towards being the assertive nice guy you hope to be.)

You asked her if she wanted to _______(fill in the blank).

Can you spot the problem? (and no, it's not the blank (though, if you actually did ask her to fill in the blank, your problems are much deeper than I can help you with)).

The problem is that you asked if she wanted to.

Say you filled the blank with "go to the movies".

You think you asked her to go to the movies with you, but you didn't.

You asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with you.

You put all the responsibility of your going out with her, on her. That power is yours. Hang on to it!

Try this: "Hey Christy, will you go to the movies with me this Friday?"

Now it is something you are doing. Strong. You're someone who does things. And you've asked her to join you.

With asking her if she wanted to, you turned it into a psychological evaluation. And, at least subconsciously, she realizes this. Suddenly, her answer isn't about finally going out with the guy she's been trying to catch the eye of all summer. It's about whether or not she's interested, and is going to like hanging out with him, and has been hoping for a chance for something like this, and is this something she would want to do a lot of times... She doesn't yet know the answers to any of these questions, you haven't gone out yet.

You've complicated her answer. Of course, she's going to be unsure while sorting all of this out.

But when you asked simply if she will go, she can simply answer. It doesn't mean anything. You've given her the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to spend time with you after she's actually spending time with you.

And if she says no. It isn't a personal affront. She just isn't going to the movies with you.

But even a girl who isn't interested, or never really thought about going out with you, can say yes. Because it doesn't mean anything yet. It's just an opportunity to spend time with someone, from there it's up to you to show them how great you really are.


Hope this helps JW. Thanks for writing.

Shad

Toss a question into the Shoutbox on the side bar and I'll be glad to pretend like I'm not full of it.