The Magnetism of Unavailability...

FIsh from SEa writes:

dear shad, Why is it that when it comes to girls that when it rains it pours and when it is dry it is a drought?

Hi Fish. Fantastic question. So good, in fact, that I'm not sure of how much help I can be.

I'm going to take a few guesses at this, but I'd like to take a moment and ask any female visitors to comment and help me, fish, and all guy-kind to understand this conundrum. Either comment on this entry, or post a thought in the shoutbox on the sidebar. I'd love your help.

While I'm at it, I'd like to encourage any comments, from anybody, about any of my "advice". Was I close? right on? miss something? anything you'd like to add or correct? need to call out any of my BS?

You can be anonymous. Or you can link us to your own site... whatever. The comments and shoutbox are open forum, so bring it on.

Okay, enough self-promotion.

Fish, I've made similar observations about... the social climates. Where, when you're alone it seems like the void just continues to compound itself. But the moment you are either A)okay with being alone for a while, or B)you're no longer alone; there isn't enough of you to go around to all of the people who suddenly want to be a part of your life.

You specifically mentioned girls, so we aren't just talking about general loneliness, or lack of friend-relationships.

You're talking about how when you want a girl at your side there isn't a single one as far as the east is from the west, but the minute, or even the second, you find one girl and there is mutual interest--BAMM! Every girl you've ever met, liked, talked to, bumped into, or even heard about suddenly wants to know how you are, what you're up to, and what you're doing this Friday night.

It can be pretty infuriating (in that top of the world, ego-boosting kind of way). I think it's probably more infuriating during one of the "droughts" you mentioned. (I assume that women deal with the same issue, or a similar version of it, I'd like to hear about that.)

So, what's the deal?

I think part of the issue is desperation. Women can smell it a mile away, and they don't like it.

The pining, the neediness, the self-consciousness; none of these are attractive qualities.

The moment you aren't focused on your need for someone (whether you've put it aside or found someone) you are acting like the person you really are. You are walking in considerably more fullness of character. That's attractive.

Being confident and content gives you the power to draw people to you (like I said in a previous post, how you act and treat people when you've got them around you, is what will define your social success).

Now, here is an important point to remember. We've sort of talked in generalities about girls either being nowhere on the planet, or being right there wanting to spend time with you. We need to understand that we can't assume that they want anything other than friendship.

I know that when you want a romantic relationship the word "friend" is a garlic crucifix to our broken vampire heart. Sorry.

We need to see this from her perspective though.

Let's take Bill and Sally, for instance. Last we heard, Bill was lonely, slipped into the aforementioned neediness, lookin' for love, desperate. But suddenly word is out that Bill's got a new girlfriend.

Yeah! Sally's now thinking, Oh goody! I'm going to give him a call. Now I can talk to him without worrying about him getting the wrong idea. It'll be safe to spend time with Bill, he's got a girlfriend now.

I'm talking in some serious generalities here, but do you see how it is legitimate for a girl to suddenly jump onto the scene when you're no longer on the market? Women love their "guy friends".

Yes, we know that not all of these newly visible girls are just looking for friendship, but it's probably safe to assume that all of these "new" girls aren't just lining up to be wooed by the likes of us.

We also can't discredit basic Taoism. We want that which evades us.

Taking yourself off the market suddenly made you a bit more interesting. Before, they could take their time and knew you'd always be around, suddenly your not available... Oh no! What did I miss? Is it too late? Better call him!

These are all just practical guesses at what causes these "down pours" and "droughts".

But I'm not totally convinced that the answers are completely practical.

I think that at times there is a bigger force at work, and I don't understand it.

For example, there was this one time in my life (this is absolutely true, no kidding), when I had been feeling down and lonely (I think I was a month or two out of some dating relationship) wondering what happened to all of the great people I'd known, what did I do wrong to make people stay away... yadda yadda, woe is me, etc...

And one day I finally just snapped out of it.

I was like, This is stupid. Being alone isn't that bad. I've always liked having my own space. Why am I just moping around. It's going to be okay.

And the rest of that day was really great. I had just snapped out of that stupid, selfish state.

And that night. That very night! I got an email from this beautiful friend of mine who lived out of state and I hadn't heard from her in months.

About twenty minutes later, at around 11pm I got a call from this girl who I'd always really liked and enjoyed who I hadn't heard from in about six months

And while I was on the phone I got a call waiting beep and it was the girl I'd taken to my high school prom who had moved to California and I hadn't heard from her in over a year, and still, in that same telephone conversation I got two more calls, one from an ex-girlfriend I hadn't had a real conversation with since the break-up and the other from another girl I hadn't heard from since right after high-school.

That is the absolute truth.

Not one of these girls knew each other and they were scattered across the country.

What happened? There wasn't any way they could have known I'd just snapped out of a selfish state of mind. Why couldn't they have called when I was depressed?

Tell me there wasn't a higher force at work there.

Insight, into any of this? Anybody?

Thanks for writing Fish, wish I could've had more answers than questions.

Shad