Does she want to go?

JW from TX writes:

Hey Shad. I'm a "nice guy". Sometimes a girl gives me all the signals that she wants me to ask her out, but when I finally find the courage to do it, she suddenly seems like she's not sure (which takes the wind right out of my sails whether or not she ends up agreeing). What's the deal?

Hey JW thanks for writing.
I assume when you identify yourself as a "nice guy" you are referring to the typically derogatory association pop-culture has of nice guys and dating.

So, firstly it's important to remember that only in dating, is being "nice" considered a negative thing. Being good to people, treating them with kindness and respect, is never a bad thing. So, if you are going to be a self-proclaimed "nice guy", decide what that is, define it in a way that you are willing to step into, and don't let yourself take on a cultural label that you don't believe in.

Many people look at the dating scene and notice that is seems to work better for jerks or "bad boys" (which often has a more positive association in the dating world).

Why is this?

Well, I'm sure there are many subconscious and psychological reasons. But there is one observation that we need to make before tossing the tweed and donning the leather and slapping some dames around (well, go ahead and toss the tweed (oh, and go ahead and never slap a dame around (probably shouldn't call her a "dame" either for that matter (well, that's probably between you and her)))).

The observation I've made is this:
Though a jerk or "bad boy" may not treat you nicely, he's usually pretty nice to his girl.

And you're thinking, So what? I'm always nice to girls. Heck, I'm nice to everybody.

And, there, is the problem.

Through all his rough talkin', actin', boozin', fightin', killin', whatever... he's managed to give her something that you couldn't.

He's managed to treat her like he treats no one else in the world.

Guys think, What does she see in that jerk?

Girls think, Oh, you're going to be nice to me? Whoop-di-do. You're nice to everybody.

The "bad boys" have made it easier for themselves because if they treat everybody else like dirt, they just have to treat a girl like a person and they're already treating her better than they treat anybody else.

So, is it hopeless?

Absolutely not. You're just going to have to be more creative in finding ways to treat your girl better than you treat anybody else on the planet.


Okay, so all of that was in regard to you defining yourself as a "nice guy". But I still haven't answered your question. Why does she suddenly seem unsure about your invitation, after giving you all those signals?

Well, firstly we're going to assume that she actually was giving you signals (though I'd wager that this is where at least half of the men out there screw up... but luckily, you're a guy, you don't have to worry about interpreting signals to ask a girl out... you just have to want to take her out).

So, we're sure she was giving signals and is waiting for you to take action. Now she's unsure... what happened?

I'd bet my lunch that you made "nice guy" mistake #1. (Fix this and you'll be taking a huge first step towards being the assertive nice guy you hope to be.)

You asked her if she wanted to _______(fill in the blank).

Can you spot the problem? (and no, it's not the blank (though, if you actually did ask her to fill in the blank, your problems are much deeper than I can help you with)).

The problem is that you asked if she wanted to.

Say you filled the blank with "go to the movies".

You think you asked her to go to the movies with you, but you didn't.

You asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with you.

You put all the responsibility of your going out with her, on her. That power is yours. Hang on to it!

Try this: "Hey Christy, will you go to the movies with me this Friday?"

Now it is something you are doing. Strong. You're someone who does things. And you've asked her to join you.

With asking her if she wanted to, you turned it into a psychological evaluation. And, at least subconsciously, she realizes this. Suddenly, her answer isn't about finally going out with the guy she's been trying to catch the eye of all summer. It's about whether or not she's interested, and is going to like hanging out with him, and has been hoping for a chance for something like this, and is this something she would want to do a lot of times... She doesn't yet know the answers to any of these questions, you haven't gone out yet.

You've complicated her answer. Of course, she's going to be unsure while sorting all of this out.

But when you asked simply if she will go, she can simply answer. It doesn't mean anything. You've given her the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to spend time with you after she's actually spending time with you.

And if she says no. It isn't a personal affront. She just isn't going to the movies with you.

But even a girl who isn't interested, or never really thought about going out with you, can say yes. Because it doesn't mean anything yet. It's just an opportunity to spend time with someone, from there it's up to you to show them how great you really are.


Hope this helps JW. Thanks for writing.

Shad

Toss a question into the Shoutbox on the side bar and I'll be glad to pretend like I'm not full of it.